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Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Separation “Are we doing the right thing?”

When the decision to separate is finally made, each of you will be profoundly affected.  Studies show that both groups (the leaver and the left) undergo roughly the same amount of emotional turmoil.  The leaver experiences guilt and self-blame where as the left experiences hurt and anger.  The length of the relationship doesn’t seem to affect the depth of mourning.

The four major emotional stages of separation and divorce are: 1. Separation Shock  2. The Roller Coaster  3. Identity Work  4. The Re-centred self.  These stages are similar to the stages of grief experienced by widows and widowers.  Mourning the loss of a marriage is a lot like mourning a death.  Following a divorce there will be times when you fees very much alone. Remember that many people have felt the same way and survived.

The effects of divorce take four points of view 1. some only focus their attention on their ex’s         faults  2. some blame themselves entirely, even if they aren’t the leaver  3.  some try to put the whole thing out of their mind  4.  the more healthy reaction is to try to figure out what went wrong so you can part with as little conflict as possible.

Just like any grief the healing process takes time but it is possible to come out at the end whole and happy.

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Boundaries – “What is All This Talk About?”

 

DAVID JAMES & ASSOCIATES
http://www.davidjamesandassociates.com
Topic Chess Series
November 5, 2010

 The concept of boundaries is one the most important tools in the area of interpersonal relationships.  Most of our significant relationship problems in our lives are a result in having “poor boundaries”.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the imaginary lines that that tell people your limits and how close they can get to you.  Boundaries can be considered the “shield” you create around yourself such as Limits around time, who you allow into your life and limits around what activities you let take up your attention.

Boundaries are for protection.

Boundaries are the fundamental things that keep you safe and support your well-being.
If you were parented well, you learned to say “NO” firmly and resolutely and to resist people that are “boundary invaders”.  By doing this you learned to keep yourself safe and well.
When our interpersonal boundaries are working well they help us to filter out the negative or harmful people and allow the positive or good people in. Firm boundaries allow us yo enter into sexual relationships that are fulfilling, avoiding those that would be disastrous.  Healthy boundaries  give us a firm sense of who we are, which leads us to treat loved ones well, yet resist attempted abuse or exploitation.

Some unhealthy situations:

The first common unhealthy boundary is attempting the rescue the “unrecoverable.”  Rescuing is doing something for someone that they should be doing for themselves.  An example is loaning money to someone that is always in need and never pays back.

Another common example of poor boundaries is saying yes to every request to things that we don’t have time for nor interest in.  Like the parent that agrees to anything that involves their children because they feel too guilty to say no.

A very damaging lack-of-boundaries is to stay involved with anyone that diminishes our self esteem in any way.

Caring for others and showing compassion is important, but constant care and rescuing are not healthy for either party.  Sometimes saying no is the most loving and healthy action to take.

Abuse, the most serious form of boundary-encroaching is a major source of the life difficulties that lead many people to seek assistance in managing stress and poor relationships.

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