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Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Separation “Are we doing the right thing?”

When the decision to separate is finally made, each of you will be profoundly affected.  Studies show that both groups (the leaver and the left) undergo roughly the same amount of emotional turmoil.  The leaver experiences guilt and self-blame where as the left experiences hurt and anger.  The length of the relationship doesn’t seem to affect the depth of mourning.

The four major emotional stages of separation and divorce are: 1. Separation Shock  2. The Roller Coaster  3. Identity Work  4. The Re-centred self.  These stages are similar to the stages of grief experienced by widows and widowers.  Mourning the loss of a marriage is a lot like mourning a death.  Following a divorce there will be times when you fees very much alone. Remember that many people have felt the same way and survived.

The effects of divorce take four points of view 1. some only focus their attention on their ex’s         faults  2. some blame themselves entirely, even if they aren’t the leaver  3.  some try to put the whole thing out of their mind  4.  the more healthy reaction is to try to figure out what went wrong so you can part with as little conflict as possible.

Just like any grief the healing process takes time but it is possible to come out at the end whole and happy.

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Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA)

Adult children of alcoholics often rely on the same coping skills that helped them survive through tough situations when they were younger.  As adults those skills can cause problems in their relationships.  ACOA’s may have addictions to substances or behaviours such as alcohol, drugs, eating, work or gambling themselves or they tend to find people that they can “save” such as alcoholics and substance abusers. They often criticize themselves and continuously seek approval of others and may lose some of their identity in the process.  ACOA’s often have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and have guilt feelings for standing up for themselves instead of giving in.  The Adult Child of an Alcoholic usually has a dependent personality that is afraid of abandonment and will do “anything” to keep a relationship, they are frightened by angry people and confrontation.  It is hard for them to trust others.  It is helpful for the ACOA to work on their addictive behaviours first and then they can begin to see their other problems more clearly.  They can learn to feel hope, trust and healthy love again.

Gambling “Will I ever get out of the hole?”

As with other addictions, the first step is admitting there is a problem.When is it a problem?
Can you answer yes to any of these questions?

Have you gambled more often or higher stakes to win back your lost money?
Does gambling cause you to have sleep difficulties?
Have you ever lost time from work or school to gamble?
Lying, borrowing or criminal activity to finance gambling?
Spending long or increasing amounts of time in gambling venues?
Gambling to escape the daily pressures of life?
Has gambling ever caused your home life to be unhappy?
Have you ever gambled until you lost your last dollar?
Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?
Constantly thinking about or preparing for gambling?
Neglecting family, nutrition, or general well-being?

For most people, gambling is simply a form of recreation, something fun to do occasionally but for others it can be a devastating and life-threatening addiction.

A very serious effect of problem gambling is what is called “the loss of hope”.  Compared to other addictive disorders, the rate of attempted suicide is highest among compulsive gamblers.

Grief – sorrow or mental suffering resulting from loss, affliction, regret, death…

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Grief is a normal human reaction to loss and change.  Sharing our grief allows us to heal quicker.  To go through the many layers of grief takes time, the bigger the loss the longer the time.  For minor losses the grieving process could take a few hours, days or even weeks.  For moderate loss the time could be months to a year and for severe loss the grieving time could take 2 to 4 years for healthy completion.

There are as many ways to grieve as there are personalities, everyone grieves differently and at different paces.

One model based on Kubler-Ross’s stages of accepting death is as follows:

Numbness:
This reaction often follows the death of a loved one and may last for seven to ten days.  Some have referred to numbing as the body’s way for protecting itself from the shock of the loss.

Denial and Isolation:
Here the bereaved person has difficulty accepting their loss.  Although acceptance is part of the complete grief process more acute difficulties with acceptance are included in this stage.

Anger:
In this phase the bereaved feels anger with everyone.  A strong feeling of “Why me?” ensues here and bargaining with God for the return of the deceased may be a part of this phase.

Depression:
As the bereaved accepts their loss and the reality of that loss sets in they may experience extreme sadness or depression.

Acceptance:
The bereaved person comes to terms with their loss and is able to return to life on a daily basis with an absence of the extremes of emotion previously experienced.

Learning Disabilities

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DAVID JAMES & ASSOCIATES
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December 6, 2010

 

REMEMBER:  “People with learning disabilities are smart, they just learn differently.”

 

Why is it some students struggle while most have no difficulty?

Some believe the problems with children who do not succeed at school are:

 

Temporary:  The problem will go away with time; they will pull out of it

Home Environment:  The parents must be doing something wrong.

Intellect:  They are simply not smart enough or not fit for school.

Motivational:  They are simply not motivated and do not apply themselves.

School Environment:  The teacher must be doing something wrong.

 

While each of these is a possibility, it is likely that the particular student is suffering from Learning Disabilities.

 

The Facts

.

A learning disability is a disorder that interferes with an individual’s ability to interpret what they see and hear or to link information from different parts of the brain.

Left unaddressed, people may suffer unnecessary hardships such as low self-esteem .

Learning disabilities cannot be cured, however they can be lessened through  interventions and helpful learning strategies.

Bright and gifted children who are under-achieving  may have learning disabilities and those who do often fall between the cracks in our educational system.

It is important to identify whether or not a person has a learning disability in order to determine

the strategies to compensate for it.

 

If difficulties in several of the following items pertain to you or your child, learning disabilities may apply.

-Planning or organizing work

-Completing homework

-Basic reading and reading comprehension

Listening comprehension

-Math calculations and reasoning

-Language skills

Spelling

Note taking

-Class participation

-Following verbal direction

-Easily frustrated with school work   

Time management

Remembering facts and school-related content

 

Learning disabilities are assessed in 5 areas:  Visual, Auditory, Motor, Organizational and Conceptual.

Boundaries – “What is All This Talk About?”

 

DAVID JAMES & ASSOCIATES
http://www.davidjamesandassociates.com
Topic Chess Series
November 5, 2010

 The concept of boundaries is one the most important tools in the area of interpersonal relationships.  Most of our significant relationship problems in our lives are a result in having “poor boundaries”.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the imaginary lines that that tell people your limits and how close they can get to you.  Boundaries can be considered the “shield” you create around yourself such as Limits around time, who you allow into your life and limits around what activities you let take up your attention.

Boundaries are for protection.

Boundaries are the fundamental things that keep you safe and support your well-being.
If you were parented well, you learned to say “NO” firmly and resolutely and to resist people that are “boundary invaders”.  By doing this you learned to keep yourself safe and well.
When our interpersonal boundaries are working well they help us to filter out the negative or harmful people and allow the positive or good people in. Firm boundaries allow us yo enter into sexual relationships that are fulfilling, avoiding those that would be disastrous.  Healthy boundaries  give us a firm sense of who we are, which leads us to treat loved ones well, yet resist attempted abuse or exploitation.

Some unhealthy situations:

The first common unhealthy boundary is attempting the rescue the “unrecoverable.”  Rescuing is doing something for someone that they should be doing for themselves.  An example is loaning money to someone that is always in need and never pays back.

Another common example of poor boundaries is saying yes to every request to things that we don’t have time for nor interest in.  Like the parent that agrees to anything that involves their children because they feel too guilty to say no.

A very damaging lack-of-boundaries is to stay involved with anyone that diminishes our self esteem in any way.

Caring for others and showing compassion is important, but constant care and rescuing are not healthy for either party.  Sometimes saying no is the most loving and healthy action to take.

Abuse, the most serious form of boundary-encroaching is a major source of the life difficulties that lead many people to seek assistance in managing stress and poor relationships.

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